Date The Boy Who Knows Your Favorite Color

Sometimes when a relationship ends, it’s easier to simply say “boys (or girls, if you prefer) suck”, drink a bottle of wine, eat a carton of ice cream, and move on. It’s easier to bury the hurt or embarrassment or damaged pride underneath a façade of ambivalence or anger than face the cascade of emotions that unfold after a breakup. It’s easier to blame the other person- to say that they’re wrong or idiotic or stupid. It’s easier to say that they made a mistake or that they weren’t what you were looking for anyway. Sometimes, it’s easier to pretend that you never actually had feelings for them or even to imagine that they’re gay. It’s easier to say, “I can do better.”

But all of these claims are unfair lies we delude ourselves into believing in order to make ourselves feel at peace without accepting the truth of the situation.

The truth, at least for me, is that I couldn’t have found a better person. The truth is that he is kind. He’s incredibly intelligent, funny, and sweet. He has goals for his future and a will to succeed. He’s driven. He has great taste in music and matches instead of judges my Netflix binging abilities. He is extremely talented. His family is loving, open, and generous. He shares my values. He loves and serves Jesus.

Simply put, his smile and his being made my heart happy.

On paper, he was perfect. In reality, he never knew my favorite color.

While he knew my course load and my exam schedule, my friends, and maybe my birthday, he never asked about my favorite song or book or movie. He understood my political stance, but he never knew that I’m absolutely terrified of snakes. He never knew that I write down my prayers because my attention span is tiny. That I have a hamper full of Finding Dory mac-and-cheese and Honey Nut Cheerios under my bed saved for bad days. That I can’t sleep in the dark. That I’m addicted to Diet Coke. That I go on drives to sort my thoughts or calm my nerves. He never knew that I love bacon. That I pray before every exam. That I’ll cry when I read a sad book but rarely while watching a sad movie. That one of my guilty pleasures is 90s country music.

He never knew the aspects of my personality that make me a unique individual. To him, I was a nice girl. There was no depth and no substance because, honestly, he didn’t care.

I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating, woe-is-me way. It’s just that, to him, to that one, particular boy, I wasn’t worth it. To him, I wasn’t worth his time or effort, and that’s okay.

Someday, he’ll find someone and he’ll memorize her soul. He’ll meet a girl who shifts his priorities away from school and studying and she’ll become seamlessly interwoven into his life. He’ll find someone whose presence he not only values, but craves. Eventually, he’ll find the one, and not only will he want to know her favorite song, but he’ll listen to it over and over again—not because he has to, but because he wants to understand it and her and her love for it. Someday he’ll find someone who is worth it to him, and she’ll be the luckiest girl in her own reality of this world because she’ll have found an amazing human being to spend some or all of her life with; but, she’s not me.

And that’s okay.

Because, someday, I’ll be that girl for someone else, and I’ll know what it is to wholly love and be loved. I will meet someone who takes the time to realize that one of my most frustrating struggles is finding my beloved red Sour Patch Kids when I’m red/green colorblind. I will meet someone who both accepts and remembers that my favorite color is grey. To that someone else, I will be a bright ray of sarcastic, cynical sunshine that sheds light on the more overlooked corners of life. To that someone else, I’ll be late night conversations about dreams and fears. To that someone else, I’ll be worth it.

There is nothing truer than the fact that each of us deserves to feel worth it. We are incredible, capable persons created in the image of God. We’ve conquered spectacular feats and overcome our individual obstacles, growing in strength and grace along the way. We are walking contradictions, full of likes, dislikes, and desires that make us unapologetically irreplaceable, and we deserve to find a love that values us as such.

 

 

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